11th September 4

I got in the office early today. My head felt heavy because I was asleep most of our three-hour drive when I suddenly remembered what day it was– September 4, Papa’s eleventh death anniversary.

For a brief moment, I questioned the decisions I’ve made in the past; I wondered if I was in the right place. I was too busy going on with my every day life (home-long travel-work-long travel) that I didn’t even remember it was September 4. I felt so shitty with myself that I actually cried.

I don’t want to be the one to forget.

I’m sorry for remembering a little late.

Law

I want to study law.

That’s what I realized when I found myself searching for something law-related in the internet. I wasn’t comfortable with the fact I knew so little about the law.

The solution would have been simple– then study law. It wasn’t exactly an unconventional path to take given my bachelor’s degree. There are also law schools near where I work. If I wanted it so badly, I could work it out– study for Philsat, save up for Law school, set a meeting with my line manager to settle my work schedule so I can attend my classes.

But thing is… I just want to study law. I do not want to be a lawyer.

Back in college, I used to have those moments when I just get the feeling that I’m not doing anything of worth. I think a lot about the future and worry if I’ll ever serve a purpose. That was probably one of the main reasons why I shifted in college a lot. In business, I felt like my existence would only ever be about being a fuel to capitalism’s machinery. I shifted to Education, thinking I have found my purpose… but it didn’t feel enough.

Soon after, I found myself back to the business path. It was a tough battle. My mental health was in a bad shape. There were lots of times I wanted out of it. But I did finish it, although not as glorious as I could have had.

I was uneasy when I took on a corporate job. Why was I suppose to serve a rich company to make it even richer? Would I be really serving my country this way? Could this really be called service to the country just because I am working here? Is this only what I could do in this lifetime? How about the fights we wanted to fight, the advocacies we live for? Is this how my life would be so meaningless?

I was afraid I’d have those thoughts and the feeling of searching for more. But right now, I just like what I do (well at least most of the time) and I like the company I am in. I like the opportunities I’m given to learn and explore… opportunities to prove I can do well– one I wish I knew in college.

I feel like if I look deeper in me, those thoughts and worries are still there, but I hope they keep themselves hidden for a long time.

And yet now that I’ve heard this thoughts of mine… it makes me melancholic. Anong nangyari?

I went a long way for someone (without that someone knowing I did) even if I was in a bad situation too but this someone outright smacks me down even if I wasn’t at fault.

It’s just sad. I just (without this person knowing) want to make the situation better for this person without this person feeling anything less than everyone else. I never wanted to be acknowledged for what I do for this person (because it will beat the whole purpose of it), but with this person giving me the bad edge of the sword even if I’m not doing anything at this person’s expense… I don’t know if there’d be any motivation left to continue what I’m doing or maybe I’d just join the other side and let things be equal but not equitable.

I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m heading.

Most days I enjoy what I do and yet there are some days when I just feel like what I’m doing is pointless. There are times that I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble I couldn’t pop. There are days when I wonder if I’ll ever be free. Today is one of those days.

It’s Papa’s birthday tomorrow, but based on how packed my sched is for tomorrow, I doubt if I could have a time to “talk” with him. Back when I was still studying, I could simply go home right after my class on his birthday, stay quiet doing nothing and hope I’d get to connect to him somehow. But tomorrow feels different. I feel like tomorrow snatched away so much from my today already.

I miss my dad and I feel like I don’t have the time to miss him. And that fucking sucks.

I’m tired today and tomorrow would probably be worse.